


Reminiscence of Our Meeting

by earthberries



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Brief Sexual Content, Depression, M/M, Suicide, mention of Bokuroo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 14:47:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6380527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthberries/pseuds/earthberries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akaashi recollects the time he first met Kuroo and the up and downs of their relationship afterwards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reminiscence of Our Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I got a lot of the inspiration of writing this fic from the song Promise by Ben Howard.

“Darling, who am I to you?” – Promise by Ben Howard

 

I first met you at the beginning of my third year of college through mutual friends. You helped me move into my dorm room. Your sun kissed face was something I couldn’t look away from, even when Bokuto warned me about you beforehand. Kuroo Tetsurou, even then you were hard for me to forget.

The week before school started, we were together the whole time. You, me, and Bokuto. Those days of lazing around watching movies, or going on adventures in the hills surrounding the school—I’ll never forget them. We always ended up sitting next to each other, not quite touching but close enough to feel each other’s warmth. Whenever we hiked, you liked to walk behind me. I’ve caught you trying to take pictures of my butt before; you never tried to hide it. I always scolded you for doing that, but I was secretly happy that you found me attractive.

I knew exactly what kind of person you were in my head. You did all kinds of drugs, you partied every weekend, and you were promiscuous… Exactly the kind of person I didn’t want to get involved with, but you were fun to be around. We always flirted back and forth, but neither of us took it seriously. I always shrugged you off when you tried to get closer to me. Bokuto would even slap you if you tried to lay a finger on me.

Bokuto was always the bridge between us. I knew I liked to hang out with you, I just didn’t like to hang out with you alone. I hate to admit it, but I was afraid of what you could do to me. You’re quite the smooth talker, Kuroo… And I’m pretty gullible. It was a recipe for disaster. Besides. Bokuto said you were his friend and not mine which I was okay with. You were exactly the person I didn’t want to fall for.

The day before school started you, me, and Bokuto went stargazing in the hills behind our school. I was glad to conclude my summer vacation with both of you. It was the first time I saw you act more mellow than usual. You showed me a picture of your niece and said that you were missing her 4th birthday this week. She was your cellphone wallpaper. I thought it was cute… having a doting uncle like you. I could tell she meant the world to you.

About a month into school, I remember I saw you and Bokuto walking along the sidewalk to the coffee shop. I was excited to see both of you, but as I got closer I could tell something was going on. You weren’t your usual dorkish self. I felt helpless in that moment, because I knew that Bokuto was much closer to you than I was. I didn’t want that. Was it selfish of me to want to be someone you could rely on too?

Shortly after that, Bokuto got a girlfriend and he stopped hanging out with both of us often, so we began to gravitate closer to each other because we didn’t really have any other friends. It was weird at first, but I gradually got more comfortable with your presence. You convinced me to skip my classes one Friday afternoon so we could drive to the lake. I told myself I wouldn’t allow you to be a bad influence on me, but my curiosity got the best of me.

That afternoon is something I’ll never forget. You actually made me feel confident enough to sing in the car. We made a pretty good duet. The weather was too bad to actually enjoy the lake, but I enjoyed spending that time with you in the car. I ended up losing my voice from all that singing.

 

Do you remember that weekend when you and Bokuto went to the beach without inviting me? I couldn’t share the same bond with you that Bokuto would. I felt so lonely that weekend. I felt like you and Bokuto didn’t care about me. That weekend was my first relapse in several months of being clean. It’s been a while since I felt worthless. I know I always jump to conclusions and I always think up of the worst case scenario, but I could not stop those thoughts from flooding my mind and drowning me.  
I had to go to counseling again. And I had to change my medication dose again. Bokuto was my main support pillar. I’m sorry I was taking up all of his time back then. I didn’t have anyone else I trusted enough to lean on. I know you were lonely and you didn’t understand what was going on with me, but I needed Bokuto. I didn’t want you to learn about how broken I was inside. Not yet.

Things went back to normal as soon as I remedied the chemical imbalances in my brain. I was spending time with you and Bokuto again, but those days were more often you and me because Bokuto was busy with his girlfriend.

You asked me to tutor you in English one afternoon. I was more than happy to help because it helps me find purpose in life. You came up to my dorm room and I tutored you for an hour or two… The time blended in with us just lying on the floor of my room staring up at the ceiling. We just started talking about ourselves… or as I like to call it “real talks.” At this moment, I felt like I could say anything to you without fear that you would leave me like many others tended to do. You told me that you had something important to tell me. You told me that I seemed more accepting and genuine.

I felt happy at that moment because I wanted to open up with you and stop hiding the broken fragments of my personality from you. You told me that you have slept with both boys and girls. It was something you could never tell your family. I felt much closer to know that I knew something that your family did not. I told you about my previous boyfriend who emotionally manipulated me. It was something that I still haven’t come to terms with. I’m still afraid that this man will come back into my life and hurt me more. Then I told you that I used to be afraid of you, and that I feel safe around you now.

We had dinner together that night, something that we had not done for several weeks. The feeling was similar to that of meeting up with a friend that you haven’t seen in months. We brought our dinner back to my room and we watched a movie together. We were supposed to meet up with Bokuto and watch a movie, but we decided to do our own thing that night. We started out at opposite ends of my bed, but by the end of the movie, we were leaning on each other. I wanted you to stay longer, but it was a school night and it was getting late. You promised me that we would watch another movie tomorrow.

The next day came and I was filled with anticipation. I bought us cookies and juice we could share. I even thoroughly cleaned my room. You came over as soon as classes were over. I had everything set up so we could watch movies without distraction. Midway through our first movie, you kept leaning on me and tickling me. By the end of the movie, your arm was around me and my hand rested in yours. We both fell asleep during the second movie and awoke a while later. You said that you had plans to go see a movie with Bokuto and his girlfriend, but I wrapped my arm around you and told you not to leave just yet. 

Despite the coarse appearance of your hair, it was surprisingly soft. You rolled on top of me with your arm wrapped firmly around my waist. I told you to just stay with me a while longer. I tried to drop a lot of hints that I had other plans for you in my mind. You seemed to be very flustered, even though I thought you were a virtuoso in situations like this. It was pretty cute. You told me that you wanted to do something, but you were afraid of what would happen afterwards. I kept prodding you to do it.  
You drew your face closer to mine and kissed me. I kissed you back. Your lips tasted like tobacco, but I wanted to taste every inch of your body. As we parted, you asked me if that was okay. I smiled and said yes and we continued. It has been a while since I felt this comfortable and open with someone. Thank you for reminding me what this is supposed to feel like with someone else. You let me do things at my pace.

We undressed each other down to our underwear. I really liked the feel of your skin against mine. It felt good to be close to someone again. I nonchalantly asked you if we would have sex. You said that I should only give my body to someone I was in love with. It was an answer I could live with, except you constantly told me that I was too good for you. I didn’t understand why you kept saying that. I knew about all of your bad habits already, it shouldn’t have made any difference.  
Instead, you decided to litter my collarbone and neck with hickies. I’ve never had one before until then. I asked you if I could put one on your neck too. As we parted to put our clothes back on, you exclaimed about how sorry you were. I was confused at first, but then I realized you were referring to the bruises you left behind. I should have warned you that I bruise easily. I laughed it off because you were genuinely worried about the marks on my neck. I reassured you that it was fine. I invited you to breakfast the next morning. I’m glad you accepted, Kuroo.

When I woke up the next morning, I looked in the mirror and I was mortified. The hickies you left really were big. It’s no wonder you were worried. I didn’t have a turtleneck to wear, so I settled with a hoodie. It would at least conceal part of the bruises.

As we sat down to eat, I was Bokuto walk into the café. He looked our way. I beckoned him over, but he decided to sulk in the corner. I didn’t understand. He was never upset with me like this before. He was always up front about it. That was when you told me that during summer break, Bokuto told you that he wanted to be more than friends. You declined him and you both decided to remain as friends. I was surprised that Bokuto never mentioned this to me. I couldn’t have imagined him being jealous because he had a girlfriend. He got over it soon enough and we continued our platonic relationship as if nothing happened. I never did tell Bokuto what happened between us, but he didn’t have to know that his two friends hooked up.

Kuroo, that day at breakfast you told me that you weren’t a relationship type guy. I told you that I had a crush on someone else. We both agreed that hooking up was a one-time thing, even though I secretly wanted more of you. I didn’t lie to you about having a crush on someone else—at least at first. I’m sorry I wasn’t completely honest with you back then; please forgive me.

I went home for one weekend. I went to a party with some of my friends that I haven’t seen since high school and I ended up drinking a lot. I didn’t remember how much I texted you that night until I woke up the next morning. I was glad that I got positive responses to the sensual things I said to you. You must have known it was my first experience with alcohol because a lot of your texts included ways for me to take care of myself.

When I got back to school, I realized I left my medication at home. I thought I would be fine, but I fell back into my slump. I skipped classes for a couple days and I didn’t respond to any texts from you. I’m sorry for worrying both you and Bokuto. I really am pathetic sometimes. You barged into my room after the third day of not hearing anything from me. When I opened the door, you took me into your arms. I burst into tears and couldn’t stop apologizing to you for being a bad friend.

That night, you told me more about yourself and why you were acute to this type of thing. You told me that you’ve tried to kill yourself several times in the past. You were so mad at me that night. Kuroo, you don’t deserve what I put you through those few days when I didn’t text you. I’m sorry I didn’t value my life as much as you did during those days. You even made me promise that, no matter what, I would never do drugs.

I learned a lot about you that night. I learned about your first couple years of college. I learned about some of the habits that you can’t shy away from. You even showed me the broken seams of your body that mirrored my own. We wiped each other’s tears away that night. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel completely broken. That was the same night you told me that your niece is your biggest reason to live. I felt a little jealous of her to be honest. Since you were in my life, I actually felt normal because you were just as broken as me. You made me feel so relieved. I asked you if you could go make an appointment to see a counselor. I wasn’t dealing with my war by myself, and I thought you would benefit from the same thing.

As we talked to each other about these things, your hands started to roam around my body. You told me that I need to take care of it better. You told me that I don’t understand how beautiful I am. I did tear up when you said that because it’s difficult for me to convince myself to think that way. I didn’t even wait for an invitation; I just kissed you.   
Even when we were naked, you had the habit of getting me to laugh to lighten the mood. I’ll always love that part of you. In my biggest moments of insecurity, you made me feel justified. I hope I made you feel the same way. I remember telling you that night that I wanted my first time to be with you. You smiled at me and tackled me onto the bed.   
Kuroo, that night we did things that I never thought I would feel comfortable doing. I’m never going to forget how you made me feel. When I told you that I was too afraid to have sex that night, you stopped. I think that’s the moment I fell in love with you. I never would have expected you of all people to respect boundaries like that. But that just shows how wrong my first impression of you was. I’m sorry I misjudged you.

Before you left my room that night, you hugged me and said that I need to treat my body like a sanctuary. You even left little kisses on my scars. I held your face in my hands and looked right into your eyes. I felt so vulnerable in that moment, but I told you how beautiful you are. Kuroo, I don’t care if you believed me or not, but I knew in that moment that you were something special. We could help each other become better people. I may be fractured when I’m by myself, but feeling normal with you is something that I am so thankful I could experience.

The next day, I walked with you to the clinic and helped you sign up to see a counselor. After all those years of suffering by yourself, I’m glad I could help you take off some of the burden you’ve been carrying alone. Winter break was coming up soon, and I wanted to help you get as many resources as you could before we parted ways for 3 weeks. You offered to drive me home, which I gladly accepted.

You helped me pack my bags, and we were able to share stories and sing songs the entire drive. It was just like those days in September when we were blissfully unaware of each other’s insecurities, but we were closer for knowing. I offered to let you stay the night at my house to rest up before the rest of your drive. You declined, but I did get a warm hug from you before you left. You promised me that you would text me when you finally got home. I didn’t sleep until I got that text.

 

Two nights later, you texted me and said you were sorry. I was so confused and scared. When you wouldn’t respond to my text messages, I decided to call you. You told me that you just took an assortment of 30 different pills. My heart broke. I didn’t know what to do. You told me to delete everything on your laptop if you didn’t wake up the next morning. Kuroo, what happened to you in those two days?

I stayed on the phone with you until 4 in the morning. You passed out several times. I’ve never been so scared in my life. Of all the people in my life at that moment, you were the last one I wanted to lose. You made me promise not to tell anyone what you did. That was a promise I couldn’t keep. While I was on the phone with you, I e-mailed your sister and told her what you did. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t lose you Kuroo. That night was the first time I told you that I loved you. I didn’t expect you to say it back, but you did.   
I tried to keep everything in, but I began to cry uncontrollably while I was on the phone with you. I’m not particularly religious, but I prayed for you so much that night. You tried to distract me with happier thoughts. Even when you were delirious and numb, you still tried everything to get me to smile. Kuroo Tetsurou, who in the world are you? After we sang our favorite song, you begged me to get some sleep. I didn’t want to leave you, but you did your best to reassure me that you were feeling better. You said you would text me in the morning if you woke up. Before you hung up, you said once again that you loved me.  
I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next morning, I wouldn’t allow my phone to leave my side. Not until you called me. When my phone rang, everything was moving in slow motion. I don’t remember anything from that moment, other than the sound of your voice on the other line. I collapsed to my knees, bawling, and I told you once again that I love you.

 

The rest of winter break we texted back and forth. I told you that I wanted to go on a date with you as soon as the break ended. My heart jumped out of my throat when you said you wanted to go on a date too. We talked a lot about the future. You wanted me to go home with you and meet your family—especially your niece. I told you that I would be thankful to be given that opportunity.

We planned to end our winter breaks early so we could use the extra day to go on a date. We didn’t have a plan, but all I knew that that I wanted to be with you. When we met up, you suggested a nearby restaurant. We were seated at one of the date tables. I felt so giddy. It really has been a long time since I experienced something like that. We laughed so much. You even held my hand in yours. Your hands felt a little rough, but they were so warm. I felt like we were to only two people in that restaurant. 

As we walked back to my dorm room, you knelt down to the ground and scooped up a snowball. I told you not to throw it, but you laughed at me and threw it anyway. I wanted to get me revenge, but you’re very good at dodging. After a couple times, you decided to take pity on me and you gave me a free shot, so I scooped up a bunch of snow and threw it down your shirt. When I turned to run away from you, I slipped on the ice. You caught me, and helped me steady myself with your hand on my back. It felt like your hand belonged there.

When we decided we didn’t have any other plans, I suggested that you came back to my room to warm up a bit before going back home. You smiled and said it was a good idea. We both must have been thinking the same thing when we got back to my room, because we didn’t have to say anything before we were quickly taking each other’s clothes off.  
I sat down on the bed and pulled you on top of me. It was almost as if we had done it dozens of times before that. Our mouths were frantically searching for each other. I guess we were both desperate to meet again after the break. After being sexually abused by my ex-boyfriend, I’ve always been afraid for things to escalate any further than hugs. But when I was with you that day, I can confidently say that I wasn’t afraid. Kuroo, I’m glad you were the person I could give my body to without fear. You always warned me about yourself, but I’m glad I was with you in that moment.

 

When it was time for you to leave, you held me close and left a kiss on my nose. You told me you wanted to spend another day like that with me. I was so happy to hear those words come out of your mouth. I pushed your bangs out of your face and I told you that you were beautiful. You didn’t say anything back, but you kissed my forehead, and then you said goodbye.

I texted you several times over the next week, but you never replied. I didn’t understand. I didn’t hear anything from you until I met with Bokuto one morning and he told me that you haven’t been leaving your room. I ran to your house to see you immediately. Your roommate let me in, but you refused to let me in your room. I was so worried about you.  
You told me that you couldn’t see me anymore. You kept repeating words that hurt me so much. Saying that you were an awful person, that you deserved to die, or that you couldn’t be with someone like me. I wish I could have held you and tried to fix everything, but I couldn’t. Kuroo, I’m the one who should be sorry that I wasn’t good enough for you. I tried to convince you that you were the most amazing person I’ve met, but you didn’t believe me. Kuroo, even in a situation like that, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you a lie like that. 

You cracked your door open. I wanted to hold you, but you yelled at me and told me to never talk to you again. Your breath reeked of alcohol. I kept my composure until I left your house, but I couldn’t control myself when I told Bokuto what happened over the phone. He came over to pick me up. It felt so backwards… usually I was the one who always picked up Bokuto when he was upset. But these days, Bokuto was usually the one who kept me grounded during my mood swings.

The next day, Bokuto stopped by my room. He showed me a text that you sent him. You told Bokuto to watch over me. Kuroo, why are you like this? It’s impossible for me to not love you. And that’s why merely hearing your name was painful.

 

I didn’t talk to you for several weeks. I stopped talking to Bokuto everyday too. I tried my best to cope on my own, but I would never stop thinking about you. I was always worried about you. I didn’t want you to hurt yourself anymore. Initially, thinking about you was tearing me apart. Then I tried to tell myself that maybe we weren’t actually right for each other.

After about two months, I ran into you at the clinic. Our eyes briefly met, but that was it. You left the clinic and we were no different from strangers. It was strange for me. I cried after you left, but I couldn’t tell if I was crying because of our severed bond, or because I was happy that you were taking care of yourself. My own emotions were as muddled as my relationship with you.

 

It wasn’t too long after, but one night I received a phone call from you. You asked me to come over to your house immediately. I was skeptical, but I still went over. Your roommate was gone, so I just walked in. I found you in your room passed out. My heart sank and everything seemed to move in slow motion. 

I took your phone out of your hand and called an ambulance. Your phone shook in my hand. My face was projected from the screen. Kuroo, when did you change your wallpaper… Why did you do that? Everything that happened when the paramedics arrived was a blur. I hoped I would never have to go through this. Kuroo what happened to you?  
I stayed by your side for several hours waiting for you to wake up. 

 

Kuroo, the doctors had to pry me away from you when they said you wouldn’t be waking up.  
Even when I waited for you for hours.

Kuroo, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you yet.

I don’t think I ever would have been ready.

But just know that even through death, I will always sincerely love you.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction I've ever written, and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.
> 
> Feel free to leave constructive criticism! My tumblr is hello-haikyuu!  
> I really hope you enjoyed reading this.


End file.
